On pets.....

This isn't original. I'm not feeling original this week. However, thanks to the miracle of email, I have a steady supply of funny stuff to cut and paste. (When you think about it...how on earth did we manage without email? Without knowing there could be exotic deadly spiders in public toilets? Without knowing that if we didn't forward emails on, "we didn't love God"? Without being told we could use our cell phone and our remote keys from home to open car doors? Which doesn't work, by the way.)

Anyway, I have three dogs. They are sleeping on my bed as I write this. And this blog really is "to them"--thanks to that wonderful writer called "anonymous" out in email-land.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is ... kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH-OUT PETS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Love, Mom and Dad