The Big C

Well, as it happens I was diagnosed with a melanoma last week. It's tiny, was caught early and nothing to be worried about...except...that pesky "cancer" word. I'm trying (as always) to make a big joke out of it, and as it also happens...cancer does have its funny side.

First of all--it's proof that I was once thin enough to wear waaaaayyyyy too little at the beach. I used to say that God let me get fat so that I would dress more modestly--of course, my consumption of upteen bags of Hershey kisses had nothing to do with it, it was all about God. Now, when my dermatologist apologetically described the relatively huge scar that the surgery would leave for such a small cancer, I laughed and assured her that NO one was going to be seeing me in anything strapless in the next few years, at least not until I lost 50 lbs. So, the scar really isn't a thing when you are fat and tend to dress in tents anyway. Chalk one up for the tubbies.

Speaking of tents-as-clothes, cancer is a great excuse to do some serious online shopping. What can dh possibly say to me when I find the cutest sun-protective shirt in the world and it's only $89.99? "Buy ten, sweetie", of course. I mean, this can be a pretty good thing.

Then there is the "getting out of obligations" excuse. NOTHING trumps, "That sounds like such fun and I would love to help out...but...I have cancer". At least, I thought I had the ultimate excuse to get out of carpools and phone calls. I have actually tried it out already, even this early into my cancer experience, and I must say I have been a bit shocked by the response. MOST of my friends' responses went like this (and I quote) :

"Skin cancer? How terrible. I knew someone who died from that in six weeks." pause.
"So, can you help out next week then?".

It does work better around the house. Rowdy moves a bit faster when I say, "Your cancer-ridden mother would like you to bring her the brownies", and Sweet Girl is even sweeter that usual. It's not going to be much fun when they realize how "not sick" I actually am, but I have always been a firm believer in milking what you've got while you've got it.

Perfect daughter has made a perfectly awful scheduling mistake, never dreaming her mother would have cancer surgery the day before she is scheduled to have two wisdom teeth extracted. I told her that cancer trumps teeth and I get the remote that week, and the choice of chick flicks. She assured me she would a) change her appointment and/or b) get well in less than 24 hours. I know she will. SOMEONE has to get Sweet Girl to soccer practice. Meanwhile, I intend to stock up on chicken soup, ice-cream and maybe a teeny tiny bit of chocolate. She is telling me to eat beets (power food/fight cancer). I'm thinking more than a teeny tiny bit of chocolate...Easter candy is out right now, after all. Beets? not so much.

My parents both died from cancer (not melanomas), and so I am not saying that it's not scary and serious for many or even most people to get that sort of diagnosis. I am saying that to me, it will always be my very dark brand of humor that makes it all much easier. And, thank the Lord it was caught early. Now, when I meet someone for the first time, I am going to say, "Have you seen your dermatologist lately?" and "Wear sunscreen". To anyone who is reading this--my doctor caught this as an aside when I was seeing her for something else. So, go get that skin checked out.

The new clothes almost make it worth it. The hats are chic, the shirts are cool, and I'm also looking into burkas....